Umm I'm too high to move.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
