My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
