The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
