i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
