i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
