Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
