He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
