dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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