i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
