My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my shit smells like andre
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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