yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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