ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
