Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
