Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
