I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
