if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
