he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
