A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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