so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
