Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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