I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
