can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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