imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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