he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So many bounce houses so little time
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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