who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
