i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
