his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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