in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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