take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
