Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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