Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
