So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
