Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
