I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
