Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
