does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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