So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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