I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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