Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The adults are the big ones right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
