I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
