My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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