There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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