Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Did I show you my penis last night?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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