i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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