the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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