I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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