She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
