I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
