Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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