PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
