She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
