"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
